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In wedding ceremonies conducted by non-religious marriage celebrants you have to take your vows “I ask everyone here to witness that I, full name, take you, full name to be my lawfully wedded wife/husband/spouse/partner”. Those words are legally required for you to actually get married. But if you'd like to say more than the phrase that everyone who gets married says, adding what’s known as personal wedding vows will provide that opportunity.
Within the ceremony, I put personal wedding vows after the legally required vows. That way there’s no awkward back and forth of the microphone, it all comes out as one meaningful statement.
What are personal vows? Personal wedding vows are an opportunity to express your relationship, your love, your connection, your future dreams and your promises to one another. Really, they can express whatever you think is meaningful in making your vow to be married.
Now, I get the whole personal vow thing might sound a bit daunting! I mean, say whatever you think is important, can lead to wondering BUT WHERE DO I START?!
Some people start thinking about what they’d like to say from the moment they became engaged. I'm guessing, you're not that person. Therefore, some hints might be handy. Here’s my foolproof guide to writing your personal vows - in 7 steps!
There’s no need to write a novel. 200 words is enough to express how much someone means to you. If you have a huge list of things to say, think about what might be better saved for the reception speech, a future Valentine’s Day card or spur of the moment text message. Choose the things that most make you want to marry this person. The qualities about you and them that will inform what married life will be like.
“You are the wind beneath my wings. With you I feel like I can fly higher than an eagle.” Nope, nope, NO!!!! What you just read is fluff. Cotton candy, sugar coated fluff!
Your personal vows need to be fluff-free and that means getting personal.
Highlight the things about your love that really tick your boxes. What makes them unlike any other person? Make a list of personal things about your relationship, especially personal things that perhaps people on the outer don’t know or realise. Circle 3-5 personality traits and start your vows by mentioning those.
This is an old trick but a good one. Instead of talking at surface level, be specific and detailed in what you say.
For example, you want to mention how you love cooking together:
DON’T SAY: I love cooking with you and sharing a meal together.
DO SAY: I love that when we cook, I’m your sous chef. I chop ingredients, while you master the flavours.
This tactic works for personal attributes, values and personality quirks. How will you know if you’re being specific enough? You will create a picture in your mind through your words.
For some getting all lovey dovey in front of other people can be a little awkward. Many people will naturally fall back on comedy as a comfort zone. There is nothing wrong with adding a little humour to your personal vows, however, know your audience! And by audience I mean the person you are marrying!!!
Personal vows are not the time to test out new material for open mic night. It’s not cool to throw in jokes about exes, bodily appearance or bad music taste. Your guests might be laughing but your fiancé will be fuming.
A nice way to do it can be to link to something you both appreciate – a movie, a song, Taylor Swift, a pet hate or a pet for that matter! Again, think of personal things that are light-hearted, things you’ve both laughed at from time to time.
By nature, vows are supposed to be a promise. Add in 3 or so promises and your done. What kinds of promises? They can be based on the values you share, the future you imagine or the little things you love doing for one another.
Example: "I promise to be someone you can trust and rely on."
Example 2: "I promise to always trust you and your good judgement. So much so, I’ll keep asking you to choose my outfits because we all know, you have better style than I could ever hope to have."
6. F for Formatting
I promised this would be a foolproof guide and it wouldn’t be without giving you the structure or format to put these ideas into ready to roll personal vows.
Format
Name/ pet name/ nickname.
"You are …" define 3 - 5 attributes you love about them.
"With you I/Together we …" talk about how they empower you/r relationship
"I promise to …" aim for 3 promises minimum
"I am so happy/ I can't wait for/ This is the start of.../I love you." closing statement
Following this structure and aiming for 200 words will make your vows meaningful without being a mouthful.
If you’ve got this far and still have no idea what you’ll write about. Here are some questions to get your thoughts started. Or you can do my online Personal Vows Questionnaire.
With all this in mind, hopefully you’re ready to start writing your personal vows. Hopefully this guide will give you enough ammunition to come up with something original and accurately you. But if you’re still uninspired, Google or Chat GPT might get you started but please do not quote word for word or start adding in cliche prose!
And if you’re really struggling, give me a call or shoot me an email. I’m happy to help put your thoughts and feeling into words. It’s important we get this right! Happy writing lovers!